Ok, so Disney recently announced plans fro a new home of the future. http://forum.newsarama.com/showthread.php?t=146617
Sorry, but color me disinterested. I mean what’s the point? From the sound of things, it’s basically the same house you live in now, but with a few more gizmos.
Sure, it’s probably going to be a far more accurate prediction of the home of the future than the original, but so what? Predictions that are already about three fourths true by the time you make them aren’t all that impressive.
I miss the days when people made wilder predictions about the future. If you’re going to predictions, make PREDICTIONS! I want stuff I’ve never seen before.
This is what a house of the future should look like:
Study these Disney, and don't come back till you've got a proper home of the future.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Transmorpers, less than meets the eye
There’s a tendency among B-Movies to ride on the coattails on whatever is the current Hollywood blockbuster. Roger Corman did it, and one of the most recent practitioners is The Asylum, the studio that gave us such cinematic classics as Snakes On A Train, and today’s subject Transmorphers.
Now, some might decry this practice as deceitful, but personally I find it refreshingly honest. Think about it for a moment: If you saw this movie under its original title, Robot Wars, you’d think “Oh, cool, a movie about Robots, and Wars. That’s probably pretty cool.” Then you’d rent it, and be horribly disappointed, and you’d never love again.
But, if you see the title Transmorphers, you think “Oh crap, a cheap-ass rip off of Transformers. I bet that sucks the sweat off a dead man’s balls.” Calling this movie Transmorphers is as close as they’re going get to openly saying “This film sucks,”
The story is set in the future, 400 years after the robots have invaded. Evil alien robots have landed on Earth, destroyed our cities, spread a thick cloud across the sky blotting out the sun, force humanity to live underground, and forcing all the women wear too much eye make-up.
On the other hand, it appears gay marriage is legal, so there’s an upside.
The movie begins when a group of human commandos is sent out to recover one of the robots fuel cells. Apparently no one ever told them that you never want to do the first commando raid in an action movie, and predictably, they all die.
Incidentally, the army of the future will be clad in black pleather jackets from Hot Topic. (They have to be pleather, that much real leather would have put this movie waaaay over budget.). Also in battle they wear swim goggles. And as I mentioned, all the women have some sort of eye make-up.
Anyway, the female general, whose name I can’t recall but since she wears thick black mascara I’ll just call her General Mascara, needs another sucker for a commando mission. She and her advisors argue over whether or not to defrost Mitchell, (sadly they’re not talking about Joe Don Baker.) One woman, named Lux, apparently named after the soap, argues that only Mitchell can lead the mission. I should point out here that Lux scares the living hell out me. She looks like the kind of woman, who invites you home, tricks you into some really kinky sex, possibly involving hot wax and a 12- foot boa constrictor, then conveniently “forgets” the safe word, and then kills you when it’s over. Perhaps sensing that Lux is batshit crazy, General Mascara relents.
Mitchell had been put in a cryogenic freeze for treason; apparently he wanted to fight the robots or something, the movies a bit vague here. They defrost him, and he wants his pals Itchy and Scratchy defrosted as well. Scratchy (Ok, he’s not really called Scratchy, but I can’t remember what his real name is. Not that it matters.) died during the freezing process, but they thaw out Itchy (yes, he’s really called Itchy). Itchy’s sort of a Seth Rogan, fun loving college dorm kind of guy, who seems really out of place in this movie. Or maybe it’s because the actor playing him actually posses a modicum of charisma that makes him seem out of place.
Mitchell has some sort of romantic history with General Mascara’s wife, the movie doesn’t elaborate much on this. This causes problems when said wife joins his commando team.
You’ll notice I haven’t said a lot about the robots yet. Well, the special effects (and when I say “special” I mean it in the same way certain kids are called “special needs”) look like a video game cut scene, circa1995. The robots do occasionally transform, er, transmorph, though not really for any good reason, but they have no personality and are just sort of generic.
Ok, so the special effects are bad, and the acting is . . . uneven. Some of it would get you kicked out of a community theater group in a really small town, but not all of it. There are a couple of performances I think were actually pretty good.
While I’d be lying if I tried to tell you this movie was any good, it’s not quite as horrible as some would have you believe. I was entertained by it, plus it has one other thing in its favor: Michael Bay had nothing whatsoever to do with it.
Hell, I saw this voluntarily, while I’m avoiding Transformers like the plague.
For your enjoyment; a scene of classic dramatic conflict:
Now, some might decry this practice as deceitful, but personally I find it refreshingly honest. Think about it for a moment: If you saw this movie under its original title, Robot Wars, you’d think “Oh, cool, a movie about Robots, and Wars. That’s probably pretty cool.” Then you’d rent it, and be horribly disappointed, and you’d never love again.
But, if you see the title Transmorphers, you think “Oh crap, a cheap-ass rip off of Transformers. I bet that sucks the sweat off a dead man’s balls.” Calling this movie Transmorphers is as close as they’re going get to openly saying “This film sucks,”
The story is set in the future, 400 years after the robots have invaded. Evil alien robots have landed on Earth, destroyed our cities, spread a thick cloud across the sky blotting out the sun, force humanity to live underground, and forcing all the women wear too much eye make-up.
On the other hand, it appears gay marriage is legal, so there’s an upside.
The movie begins when a group of human commandos is sent out to recover one of the robots fuel cells. Apparently no one ever told them that you never want to do the first commando raid in an action movie, and predictably, they all die.
Incidentally, the army of the future will be clad in black pleather jackets from Hot Topic. (They have to be pleather, that much real leather would have put this movie waaaay over budget.). Also in battle they wear swim goggles. And as I mentioned, all the women have some sort of eye make-up.
Anyway, the female general, whose name I can’t recall but since she wears thick black mascara I’ll just call her General Mascara, needs another sucker for a commando mission. She and her advisors argue over whether or not to defrost Mitchell, (sadly they’re not talking about Joe Don Baker.) One woman, named Lux, apparently named after the soap, argues that only Mitchell can lead the mission. I should point out here that Lux scares the living hell out me. She looks like the kind of woman, who invites you home, tricks you into some really kinky sex, possibly involving hot wax and a 12- foot boa constrictor, then conveniently “forgets” the safe word, and then kills you when it’s over. Perhaps sensing that Lux is batshit crazy, General Mascara relents.
Mitchell had been put in a cryogenic freeze for treason; apparently he wanted to fight the robots or something, the movies a bit vague here. They defrost him, and he wants his pals Itchy and Scratchy defrosted as well. Scratchy (Ok, he’s not really called Scratchy, but I can’t remember what his real name is. Not that it matters.) died during the freezing process, but they thaw out Itchy (yes, he’s really called Itchy). Itchy’s sort of a Seth Rogan, fun loving college dorm kind of guy, who seems really out of place in this movie. Or maybe it’s because the actor playing him actually posses a modicum of charisma that makes him seem out of place.
Mitchell has some sort of romantic history with General Mascara’s wife, the movie doesn’t elaborate much on this. This causes problems when said wife joins his commando team.
You’ll notice I haven’t said a lot about the robots yet. Well, the special effects (and when I say “special” I mean it in the same way certain kids are called “special needs”) look like a video game cut scene, circa1995. The robots do occasionally transform, er, transmorph, though not really for any good reason, but they have no personality and are just sort of generic.
Ok, so the special effects are bad, and the acting is . . . uneven. Some of it would get you kicked out of a community theater group in a really small town, but not all of it. There are a couple of performances I think were actually pretty good.
While I’d be lying if I tried to tell you this movie was any good, it’s not quite as horrible as some would have you believe. I was entertained by it, plus it has one other thing in its favor: Michael Bay had nothing whatsoever to do with it.
Hell, I saw this voluntarily, while I’m avoiding Transformers like the plague.
For your enjoyment; a scene of classic dramatic conflict:
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